|Top ten reasons to become a nurse:
- Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
- Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
- Needles: "Tis better to give then receive"
- Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
- Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
- Interesting aromas.
- Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders
in perfectly legible handwriting.
- Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
- Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.
- Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what
you do to them.
|You know you're a nurse if...
You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark
alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place
in town by heart.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you
show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the
scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing
than he can.
You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait
for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing
and triggers "flash backs."
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to
see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another
table throw up.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you
became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three
of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle,
to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker
and to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't
sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner
break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll
drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on
|3 Nurses and a Wish
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small
nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks
a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.
"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so
pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now
grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a
puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles
of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before
any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would
ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished
first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single,
well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With
a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and
spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed
men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke,
she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor
at the end of the lunch break."
|Two doctors were in a hospital
hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine
every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told
Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
|A man goes to visit his 85-year-old
grandpa in hospital.
How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's
it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes
off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he
I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely
that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10
o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops
him from rolling out of bed
A new nurse listened while
the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots
|Three nurses died & went to heaven where
they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should
you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she
replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering
city children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You
may enter." And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So what did you do
on Earth?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she
replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors
and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with
a hand of healing and with a message of God's love." "How
touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And
in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did
you do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I
was just a nurse at an H.M.O." St. Peter pondered this for a moment,
and then said, "Okay, you may enter also." "Whew!" said
the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to
let me in." " Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but
you can only stay for three days..."
- What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in
Some asshole has my pen!"
- What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
- Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer
to obtain temperatures?
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's
- How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
She's the one with dirty knees.
- They found a naked dead body of a nurse washed up on the shore
How did they know it was a nurse?
She had an empty stomach, a full bladder, and her butt was chewed